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Fishing and HitchhikingDad was a great fisherman. He loved fishing for trout in the clear mountain streams of the California Sierras. He could catch fish where nobody else could.
At sundown, he'd always return to camp with the
biggest fish that had been caught that day. I learned a lot about fishing
from Dad and applied those lessons to an unlikely field of endeavor –
hitchhiking.
I was a great hitchhiker. In my late teens and early twenties I
hitchhiked over 20,000 miles. This experience included three trips, coast
to coast to coast, and countless trips up and down the California
seacoast. I never had to wait long for a ride. I always had good experiences. I
met some of the nicest people in the world. Hippies in VW vans.
Grandmothers in Buicks. Hot babes little red sports cars. Rednecks with
gun racks. Families of seven in motor homes. Truckers with 16-wheelers.
Even hitched a ride on a corporate Leer jet. Many took me home to dinner and put me up for the night. I'd get in the
car, and they'd say "I've never picked up a hitchhiker before in my
life. I don't know why, but I picked up YOU." Many would take me
miles and miles out of their way to take me to exactly the place that I
wanted go. Many of these wonderful people became lifetime friends. I
attribute all of my success as a hitchhiker to what my father taught me
about fishing. What's the analogy? The stream is
the highway. The fish are the
cars. The bait is ME! In order to catch a fish, four things have to happen. These are the
same four things that have to happen if you want to catch a ride. FIRST "The fish has to SEE you." If the fish doesn't
see the bait, he's not going to be caught. As a hitchhiker, I would plan
at least a hundred yards of visibility, to allow plenty of time for the
driver to see me. SECOND "The fish has to LIKE what he sees." Fishermen
know that there are some lures that no self-respecting fish will touch,
and there are certain lures that no fish can resist. The fish has to
think, "That looks like a yummy morsel." There are certain
hitchhikers that no car in its right mind would pick up. It's up to you to
give as much positive information as possible about yourself in a very
short period of time. That means no hat, no long hair, no dark glasses,
and no beard. All of those are threatening. A clean cut, casual appearance meant a blue
short-sleeve dress shirt and cords for me. I always tried to make eye
contact with the driver. I always smiled. Sometimes I’d talk: "Nice
car, nice driver, helpful person: you’re going to pick me up, aren’t
you?!" I also tried to provide additional information about where I was going.
I had a dark blue T-shirt with me, and a roll of masking tape. I'd spell
out in two or three letters where I was going, and I'd hold up the T-shirt
sideways so the driver could read it. Give the car as much non-threatening
and positive information about yourself as possible, so he can size you up
and say, "That hitchhiker looks like a nice guy. I’ve never picked
up a hitchhiker before, but I'll give him a lift." THIRD "The fish has to have a calm place in the stream to
STRIKE the lure." In hitchhiking, the car has to have a place that he
can pull over safely to let you in. If the traffic is going too fast, cars
won't stop because they can't do so safely. FOURTH "The fish has to SWALLOW the bait." When you're
fishing, you can tell when a fish is nibbling on your bait. You can feel a
little tension on the line. You can see the end of your pole bob a little.
In order to actually get the fish, you have to set the hook. The analogy
for hitchhiking is very important. After you get in the car you have a chance to engage the driver in
conversation. Be courteous and helpful, of course, but most importantly,
keep the driver talking. The driver is not going to let you out, as long
as he's talking to you. Get them talking about themselves and their lives
and what is important to them. In going across the country, I learned how
to talk to anyone about anything for as long as it took for them to take
me exactly where I wanted to go. Don’t dismiss this strategy because it seems to be calculated or
manipulative. Just realize that most of us make choices based on
self-interest – expecting others to go out of their way to meet your
needs is unrealistic. Each of us has our own fears, wants, baggage,
history, comfort levels and resources. If you go for a
"win-win," both of you will get what you’re looking for. To summarize, four things need to happen in order to catch a fish, or
to catch a ride. 1. The fish has to see the bait. The car has to see you. 2. The fish has to like what he sees. The car has to see you as non-threatening 3. The fish has to have a place to strike the bait. The car has to have a place 4. The fish has to swallow the hook. If you can keep the driver talking, As a fisherman, you make choices in presenting yourself in order to
catch the fish. As a hitchhiker, you make choices in presenting yourself
to oncoming cars in order to catch a ride. Dad taught me a lot about fishing and a lot about life. He taught me
that to be successful as a fisherman you have to think like a fish. Not planning to go hitchhiking anytime soon? Not even fishing? Well, then, you will just have to apply this information as you can! HINT: If you want other people to like you – If you want to be a
pleasant person for others to spend time with – it might be helpful to
think like the person you would like to attract. If you are looking for a
special someone to spend time with, you will have to think like the person
(real or idealized) that you are trying to attract. Understand what would
attract them, and make it easy for them to interact with you and know you
better. Jim Chamberlin is a consultant in association management, a
professional massage therapist, and a free-lance author/editor, living in
Washington, DC. His father passed away in June 1999. This article is based
on a speech to Capital Toastmasters 1 on January 9, 2001. Jim can be
reached at jim_chamberlin@hotmail.com by Jennifer Johnson Finding yourself single again in your late thirties or beyond can seem very
intimidating. Hopefully you have had time alone to heal from your loss, and your
grieving is behind you. You are feeling ready to move forward and get on with
your life, but now you are faced with doing something you have not done for many
years … DATING. Dating again at a mature age is not the same as it was when you were twenty.
Your values and standards have probably changed. Physical appearance and job
status seem less critical than responsiveness to one another’s needs. Since
time seems to be the most valuable thing you possess, you want to spend it with
someone you can truly enjoy. Getting back into circulation will likely take time to evolve. With the
knowledge that customs and lifestyles have drastically changed since earlier
years, you may have reservations about dating again. Unless you are a man over
fifty, finding available partners will require more initiative and effort than
it formerly did. You may have to force yourself to go out and find dating opportunities. When
you attend singles club functions, discussions, parties, dances, and outings,
keep in mind that everyone is there for precisely the same reason you are. The
people you see and meet, or who answer your personal ads, are generally ready,
willing , and available to socialize. Getting comfortable with the new social scene takes time and patience. Each
time you go out it will get easier. The breakthrough will come if you stick with
it and practice. Think of your early dates as exercises in spending time with
someone you don’t know very well. When entertaining each other by talking and
doing things together, you are experimenting with a new relationship. Avoid thinking about your possible future together; instead, enjoy the
present. Learn to be a fun person, and remind yourself that you are going out
mainly for the experience of dating. Show enthusiasm for being with the person you are out with. Safe topics to
talk about (while you are discovering what things you share in common) are
travel, sports, hobbies, talents, cooking, and current events. NEVER, NEVER
gripe about how another partner treated you. Concentrate on having a good time
without anticipating what might go right or wrong. Be yourself. If you say or do
something stupid or awkward, it is not the end of the world, and most people
intuitively understand. Experience leads to confidence, and confidence leads to
social ease and skill. Find your own comfort level in how often you choose to go out. Everyone has a
comfort level, a style and speed, a way of acting and reacting that works best
for them. Find yours. Once you do, don’t let anyone else make you think you
would be better off being anyone other than yourself. Dating again successfully is almost as much a process of unlearning old ways
as it is learning new ways. What changes have occurred? First of all, it is now
acceptable for either a male or a female to introduce him or herself, ask each
other to dance, ask for a phone number, ask for a date, pay for a date, split
expenses, or telephone one another. Equality is the name of the game. Women need not play the helpless role anymore, and meeting a date at a given
place is quite appropriate. The old trend of being picked up and returned at the
door doesn’t work too easily if you live fifteen or twenty miles away from one
another. Children could be in the picture and complicate things a bit. The ability to
obtain baby-sitting services is often the rule and not the exception when there
are others to consider. You may be disappointed to learn that you will not be the answer to every
person’s dream, nor will you find all the people you meet to be your ideal,
either. Being back in the dating world often means learning to cope with
rejections when a relationship doesn’t work out. If a person has a preference
that doesn’t include you, recognize you are going to get hurt at times. Be
personally wary of misleading people so as not to cause distress to others. By remaining in old patterns of thinking and acting, you will have little
success in establishing new relationships. The people one meets later in life
are fairly set in their personalities. Sometimes it might be difficult to click
on a subject. If someone doesn’t share your own thoughts and ideas, adjust
your attitude. The way around this dilemma is not to say, "He/she is wrong…
I am right." But rather, "That is interesting!" Try to accept the
other person’s differences. People love to talk about themselves and not too many people let them do it.
Talk with the person, not to (or at) him/her. As you converse, focus on the
positive aspects of your life, omitting any complaints about past or present
events. Ask questions about what makes the other excited or happy, and be a good
listener. Make use of open-ended how, what where, when, and why types of
questions rather than those only requiring a yes or no answer. Establish eye
contact and nod as you listen. Exercise caution when you find a subject you both
take pleasure in, so as not to start talking like crazy from a one-sided
perspective. Dating skills, like all skills, are learned. They improve with knowledge and
practice. At first you may feel awkward, but as you date more, you will
gradually notice a change in your comfort level. People want to be acknowledged by the outside world, and this acknowledgment
starts with the person they are with. Every new experience from the people you
encounter in the world of dating will help you grow and move forward. In time,
you will become more relaxed and comfortable in any social situation.ª Reprinted by permission from Singles Choice, 17125C W Bluemound Road,
Brookfield, WI 53005. ON A LIGHTER NOTE: by Cathryn Stephens 1) Dating is a serious sport. Your entire future hangs on the potential mate
nervously sipping ice water across from you. Be sure to hang all of your
childhood fantasies on him, as well as your ego. This should make for a
wonderful, spontaneous, fun evening for the both of you. 2) Don’t date men who wear skirts. Kilts count. Just trust me on this one.
Makeup also falls into this category. 3) College bands are God’s punishment to us all. The only thing they can do
well is turn up the volume on their amplifiers. "Singing to the cantaloupe
cooking in a microwave" is not a good song title. It’s a cry for help. 4) Beware of men with well-groomed spiky blonde hair. They reek of insolence.
And impossibly beautiful girlfriends. 5) Young men should not attempt to grow a beard – unless they can prove
that they can do so well. Otherwise, they resemble nothing so much as foolish
chickens. 6) If you really want to annoy your date, talk to them excitedly about your
favorite band, and then insist on playing only that band’s music during your
conversations, and any other times you can find to fit it in. Don’t forget to
have some tapes for the car so that your date’s listening enjoyment will be
uninterrupted – for the entire evening. 7) True, you are a very interesting person. However, your date has not been
hungering for endless information about your sordid past – in fact, your date
would rather eat the fish plain, without all your sauce. 8) People who have a cell phone permanently attached to their hands should
also be avoided. That is, unless you plan to have emergencies with fair
regularity throughout the evening. And they are willing to stop their
conversation about their sister’s rash for a few minutes and place a call to
911. Reprinted from August, 1999 edition of the Singles Network
Newsletter. "Watching a tiny girl share the joy of a new discovery
with her dad by Mary Carol Lewis I have a vision: If Singles can learn to accept one another
as they are and love one another as precious, then we will all be stronger
individually and corporately. Perhaps we can even teach the Christian church how
to love! Loving is not automatic. Love requires knowledge and
acceptance. Love requires a perception of the vision, the "passion"
within a person. We cannot love ourselves without these things. We cannot
extend that love toward others unconditionally without this groundwork. If someone brought a beautiful child and set it before me
right now and commanded me to love it -- I could not do so instantly. Love is
not an emotion that can be consciously turned on. We do find ourselves suddenly
loving someone because of something we recognize in them. But the ability to love, I believe, requires not only a
stimulus, but also a conscious acceptance of human beings with all their
frailties (and this particular human being especially) and enough personal
confidence to allow openness to growth and change and the inevitable
vulnerability that loving someone induces. I believe that a person must begin by learning to love
himself. Some of us have difficulty seeing ourselves as attractive or
precious because we have endured such trauma that we fear the experience has
permanently altered our appearance for the worse -- but think of this: Suppose a dozen young children were lined up at the front of
the auditorium. Wouldn't the hearts of the entire assembly go out to the one who
was poorly dressed, misshapen or ugly? If we can learn to accept and value that one, we can learn to
love ourselves (and others), misshapen as we feel we are. Remember that the good
shepherd leaves the flock of smart, healthy sheep and goes out to seek the one
who has missed the path somewhere along the way and is now hurting, lonely and
scared. This is one of my favorite bits of poetry. I think about this
poem when I feel crippled by my past and unlovable because of all the damage I
have sustained. It was written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning as she was
determining to leave her childhood home and elope with Robert Browning, even
though her father had forbidden it because of her crippling illness: " If to conquer
love, has tried, To conquer grief,
tries more, as all things prove; For grief indeed is
love and grief beside. Alas, I have grieved
so I am hard to love. Yet love me, wilt
thou? Open thy heart wide
and fold within The wet wings of thy
dove." This article appeared in the May 1997 edition of the
Singles Network Newsletter. The most recent publication by Mary Carol
Lewis is Season of Lovers. Read more about this
book on this site. My
friend Lisa is looking for a husband. In fact, it is her new year’s resolution. "What
exactly are you looking for?" a group of women asked her over coffee. "Well,"
she said, "I’d like to have someone with a little money and a good job."
(Lisa, I should mention is in debt.) "So
you are looking for financial security," said one woman. "Not
exactly," Lisa said. "What I really want is a person who will help me branch out
a little bit, someone who likes to travel, someone who reads books." "We
read books," one of the friends pointed out. "We like to travel. If you
are looking for a pal to do things with, you’ve already got us." "Not
exactly," Lisa replied. "I guess I’m looking for someone who will worry
about me, someone who will take care of me when I’m sick." "It
sounds like you’re looking for a new mother," said one not-so-helpful friend. "No,
that’s not what I’m looking for," she said, getting a little bit
peeved. "I’m looking for a person who is fun, but who sticks around when life is
not fun. I’m looking for someone who will be with me on dark, stormy nights and on
sunny summer days. What I’m looking for is a soul mate." "Ahhhh,"
they all said. "A soul mate." We have
neighbors who are looking for a new house. "What kind of place are you looking
for?" "We
want a house with a bay window and a fireplace. We’d love to have a front porch big
enough for Adirondack chairs and a swing so we could invite the neighbors over and talk.
We’d like a quiet backyard with a bench and a weeping willow and a place for
birdfeeders." "It
sounds like you want a retreat center," we said. "That’s
it! We are looking for a place where we can relax and live in peace." "May I help you?" a salesperson said to a man shopping alone in a department store. "I’m looking for a blazer," the man said. "What kind of blazer?" the clerk asked. "Mostly I’m looking for something that fits. I’ve lost a little weight recently," he said. "How about this one?" she said as she pulled out a gray windowpane plaid. "No, my wife would have said that’s a little bit loud for me. She had great taste in clothes." He continued to thumb through the selections, and then muttered, "She died last summer." "I’m sorry," said the salesperson, noticing that although his eyes were on the jackets, he wasn’t really looking at them. "How about this one?" she said as she pulled out a nice tweed with a trace of blue in the weaving. "I don’t know," said the gentleman, as she took it off the hanger and held it up for him to try on. "Not bad," she said. "It brings out the blue in your eyes." "You think so?" "Definitely! You look wonderful," she said. "Very distinguished, but very stylish." "Could I wear this to a party?" he asked. The Question
It is
one of those core questions of life. What are you looking for? Are you
looking for a different job? A new car? A new set of friends? A special friend? A soul
mate? Or are you looking for work that is more than a paycheck. Something to make you feel young and snazzy as you wheel down the road. A group of people who do not care about the kind of car you drive or how much spendable money you have. Someone who can appreciate you as you really are – deep inside.
What are you looking for? When John’s disciple and Andrew followed Jesus, he turned to them and asked, "What are you looking for?" They did not answer directly. "Where are you staying?" they asked. Perhaps they were thinking about lodging. Perhaps they were inspired to seek encouragement, inspiration or something to believe in. But when Jesus answered, there was more to think about. "Come and see," he told them. When Jesus spoke, he was talking about life. Jesus was staying with the lonely, the sick and the confused: rich and poor, men and women in every phase of their lives. After spending some time with Jesus, Andrew seemed to find more than he anticipated. "Come and see," he told his brother Simon. "We have found the Messiah!" Often when we think that we are looking for – a new car, or a new job or a new person in our lives – what we are really looking for is a new life. If we are looking for meaning in life, maybe the place to start is by seeking to find the purpose God has planned for us. God can refocus us – it will seem that we have a whole new identity. We feel most at peace, most at home, most secure when we know that we are doing whatever it is that we are meant to do in this life. Notice that Jesus did not call people to him – they were attracted to him, because they sensed that he could give them what they were really searching for. We are a searching people. Sometimes we are searching for a little peace and quiet. Sometimes we are seeking purpose and meaning. Sometimes a little encouragement. Or comfort. Or assurance. And God leads people into different paths. Sometimes difficult paths. But for those who hear his voice, something amazing happens. He seems to give these people what they are looking for. What are you looking for? A good night’s sleep? Relief from pain? A job that satisfies? Someone to love you? A way to survive another day until you wake up again tomorrow? The
Answer
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Bonnie Stephens
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